April 4th, 2009

I have tried, I really tried ... why does such things always happen? I'm really at my wit's end now and I don't know what to do anymore. Years of keeping the family together, trying to make things work, even when we r not rich, we gradually ain't that poor anymore also ... I really tried, to become the good daughter that I can be, and should be, I know I should put up with him, my father, for my mom's sake ... it's stupid to speak of a divorce at their age anyway, I always pray that God will help him, I still believe that he will... but just when we thought things are getting better, it starts going downhill again... I, my mom, the entire family, we have tolerated him to our best possible means, I have never blame him for not putting me thru' poly, I managed that myself, I have never blame him for not giving me the good life that most girls should have when they r sooo much younger, for I should know, more than anyone, that the burden has rested on my mom for that long, I should be shouldering the same burden with her as soon as I can.... material wants aside, not to say I don't have, everybody has their dreams, desires and ambitions, like any child, I have plenty of these too... but I learn to put aside what matters and what don't ... I tell myself, never to become like him... a ball of useless anger and rage... up till to his age, when people should watch out for their health more than anything else, he curses and rages on as he pleases, almost forgotten that he is past his 50's .... his temper is long way beyond our redemption ...he would get angry at trivial matters of all things, pick a fight with others as if he is still in his teens, doing all as he pleases but never a care about our feelings .... there r fathers who gamble, fathers who abuses their families physically, fathers who run away and never look back on their families... I have a father who abuse us, not physically but through his actions of making us worry, and worry more about him... to say that we should just leave him to die ... because thats what we wanted all along ... like a child when he is happy, like a deranged monster when he gets mad ... is no better off than the other category of fathers I have mention ... I'm not a child anymore, but sadly, his attitude and character is no better off than when I was a child, or maybe even worst,  to him, its always the world against him, everyone against him, never his fault, never his responsibility ... as a daughter, it pains me more to write all these, but perhaps I m determined to mark this day, to look back on this entry in future, to remember how it once happen .... as much as I don't want to, I will put this down ...

xiayudie spreads her wings at 02:53 AM , April 4, 2009 ....

egg(s) hatched