January 3rd, 2009

Long, long rant ...

I haven't been here for such a long time that I almost forgot I kept a blog here, like some old diary book stash away and hardly written in anymore. Now I'm more into updating my other journal on alivenotdead than here, not because I would want another blog to replace this one, but rather, I wana seperate my thoughts into two places, one for entertainment and review purposes, another, my more personal collection of feelings.

Something that I have been trying to avoid facing, or going thru', for fear that I would dig up old hurts, or grew emotional the deeper I reflect into myself. It's been a long, long time since I wrote like this, self lamentating, a habit that I already outgrew and quit some time back.

But when I need to be myself again, to tell myself to face my worries and stop running away, to quit evading the inveitable and start solving problems,  I tend to melt in some part of me and become reduce to emptiness.... I knw what I wrote here doesn't make much sense... I'm just depressed... maybe even angry... I'm not sure anymore ...

Sometimes, it seems that no matter what I do, it's never good enough, no matter how hard I try, how much I focus and how much effort I throw in .. ..  I really attempt, to keep my head on my shoulders at all times, concentrate, steady, give my best, not to lose control, to shut out criticisms and gossip, complete the task at hand by all means ... somehow, what I do, its never enough... I don't understand why...and I m really tired

It's stupid, really, been stress over a stupid job tt I've long stop caring about since I discover the true nature of it ... no jobs are easy nowadays, esp in the sagging economy, many people are happy to be employed, be it well paid or high status or not ... but there are certain work environment that seriously act as long term killers to one's emotional well being, mine was one such ... I don't know what the others felt before they left, same as me, better than me, worst off or didn't survive to tell the tale? I don't know... sorry if every word sounds exagerated .... I really need to let it out, words are the best form of steam I can let off in ...

I really didnt want my parents to know how I felt... my mom has enough in her hands to be concern about ... I do share things with her, but not to the extent that she has to feel my burden or pain, she doesn't deserve to ... as for my dad, well, just forget it... he can hardly take care of his own problems... I will be happy if he can handle his own troubles and stop letting us worry bout it ...

No, I'm not okay, and I m not happy ... it's all a bloody lie ...

Down with 2008, hope 2009 is better ... it started bad, but please, please, let it be better ... I'm really too tired to care...

xiayudie spreads her wings at 12:44 AM , January 3, 2009 ....

egg(s) hatched