I have tried, I really tried ... why does such things always happen? I'm really at my wit's end now and I don't know what to do anymore. Years of keeping the family together, trying to make things work, even when we r not rich, we gradually ain't that poor anymore also ... I really tried, to become the good daughter that I can be, and should be, I know I should put up with him, my father, for my mom's sake ... it's stupid to speak of a divorce at their age anyway, I always pray that God will help him, I still believe that he will... but just when we thought things are getting better, it starts going downhill again... I, my mom, the entire family, we have tolerated him to our best possible means, I have never blame him for not putting me thru' poly, I managed that myself, I have never blame him for not giving me the good life that most girls should have when they r sooo much younger, for I should know, more than anyone, that the burden has rested on my mom for that long, I should be shouldering the same burden with her as soon as I can.... material wants aside, not to say I don't have, everybody has their dreams, desires and ambitions, like any child, I have plenty of these too... but I learn to put aside what matters and what don't ... I tell myself, never to become like him... a ball of useless anger and rage... up till to his age, when people should watch out for their health more than anything else, he curses and rages on as he pleases, almost forgotten that he is past his 50's .... his temper is long way beyond our redemption ...he would get angry at trivial matters of all things, pick a fight with others as if he is still in his teens, doing all as he pleases but never a care about our feelings .... there r fathers who gamble, fathers who abuses their families physically, fathers who run away and never look back on their families... I have a father who abuse us, not physically but through his actions of making us worry, and worry more about him... to say that we should just leave him to die ... because thats what we wanted all along ... like a child when he is happy, like a deranged monster when he gets mad ... is no better off than the other category of fathers I have mention ... I'm not a child anymore, but sadly, his attitude and character is no better off than when I was a child, or maybe even worst,  to him, its always the world against him, everyone against him, never his fault, never his responsibility ... as a daughter, it pains me more to write all these, but perhaps I m determined to mark this day, to look back on this entry in future, to remember how it once happen .... as much as I don't want to, I will put this down ...

xiayudie spreads her wings at 02:53 AM , April 4, 2009 ....

egg(s) hatched

Long, long rant ...

I haven't been here for such a long time that I almost forgot I kept a blog here, like some old diary book stash away and hardly written in anymore. Now I'm more into updating my other journal on alivenotdead than here, not because I would want another blog to replace this one, but rather, I wana seperate my thoughts into two places, one for entertainment and review purposes, another, my more personal collection of feelings.

Something that I have been trying to avoid facing, or going thru', for fear that I would dig up old hurts, or grew emotional the deeper I reflect into myself. It's been a long, long time since I wrote like this, self lamentating, a habit that I already outgrew and quit some time back.

But when I need to be myself again, to tell myself to face my worries and stop running away, to quit evading the inveitable and start solving problems,  I tend to melt in some part of me and become reduce to emptiness.... I knw what I wrote here doesn't make much sense... I'm just depressed... maybe even angry... I'm not sure anymore ...

Sometimes, it seems that no matter what I do, it's never good enough, no matter how hard I try, how much I focus and how much effort I throw in .. ..  I really attempt, to keep my head on my shoulders at all times, concentrate, steady, give my best, not to lose control, to shut out criticisms and gossip, complete the task at hand by all means ... somehow, what I do, its never enough... I don't understand why...and I m really tired

It's stupid, really, been stress over a stupid job tt I've long stop caring about since I discover the true nature of it ... no jobs are easy nowadays, esp in the sagging economy, many people are happy to be employed, be it well paid or high status or not ... but there are certain work environment that seriously act as long term killers to one's emotional well being, mine was one such ... I don't know what the others felt before they left, same as me, better than me, worst off or didn't survive to tell the tale? I don't know... sorry if every word sounds exagerated .... I really need to let it out, words are the best form of steam I can let off in ...

I really didnt want my parents to know how I felt... my mom has enough in her hands to be concern about ... I do share things with her, but not to the extent that she has to feel my burden or pain, she doesn't deserve to ... as for my dad, well, just forget it... he can hardly take care of his own problems... I will be happy if he can handle his own troubles and stop letting us worry bout it ...

No, I'm not okay, and I m not happy ... it's all a bloody lie ...

Down with 2008, hope 2009 is better ... it started bad, but please, please, let it be better ... I'm really too tired to care...

xiayudie spreads her wings at 12:44 AM , January 3, 2009 ....

egg(s) hatched

Hey, I'm back...

Sigh, its been quite some time since I came here once again. Lazy to blog lately, too much stuff to catch up. Many news has been in the state of grim, one being the string of events brought by the fallen US economy.

Since 1997, we are seeing jobs being axe and people sent packing and walking from banks. It has never felt so blessed to be steadily employed and still having a work place to return to, a steady income to pour in and a roof to live under. Irony that we always tend to feel grateful for what we have only in times of turmoil whereby we witness the less fortunate bearing the burden caused by the financial crisis. Guess it's time to tighten e belt and cut down on unnecessary spending habits. No Kbox visits for me this year anymore that is, Lol ...

Shall be getting my braces fixed this Monday, can't decide what colour they shall be yet. Has rule out white and black for the time being. Was told that curry has to be off my menu after my braces are done .... waaaaaaaa, I love curry ... haha, what to do?

xiayudie spreads her wings at 11:40 PM , November 23, 2008 ....

egg(s) hatched

Bored ...

Been lazy lately, also partly due to a phone problem that result in my network being cut off... lots of tech and electrical stuff which I shall not bother to go into ... YAWN ...

The thoght of having to go back  to work tml bores me, yet the thought of going thru a public holiday not knowing what to do and spending a darn humid day at home doing much bout nthin' bores me even more ... ironic and conflicting huh'... work complain, holiday also complain ...

I guess I didnt plan well on what to do in advance and got lazy half way, so scrap all plans of going out and spend half a day glue to the tele set ... its depressing to watch the news now, its either about poison XX products or dippin' stock markets... oh yah, not forgetting to wish every1 a B'lated Happy Deepavali here =P

xiayudie spreads her wings at 12:55 AM , October 28, 2008 ....

egg(s) hatched

Review on Painted Skin...

Just wrote review on Painted Skin, the chinese horror flick starring Vicky Zhou, Zhou Xun, Donnie Yen, Chen Kun & Qi Yiwu ...

Read it at:

http://www.alivenotdead.com/twinklebell/Horror+Movie+Review+%232+Painted+Skin+~+%E7%94%BB%E7%9A%AE+Movie+Review-profile-336851.html 

xiayudie spreads her wings at 01:13 AM , October 9, 2008 ....

egg(s) hatched